'I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.'
'Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.'
'I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.'
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.'
'Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damn good.'
'Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right'
'What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?'
Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable.'
'To you, I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the loyal opposition'.
'If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.'
“If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss Bank.”
'There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?'
“I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak.”
'Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.'
'The only thing standing between me and greatness is me.'
'I had a great evening; it was like the Nuremberg Trials.'
'I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.'
'There's an old joke . . . two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of 'em says "Boy, the food at this place is really terrible." The other one says, "Yeah, I know; and such small portions." Well, that's essentially how I feel about life.'
'My brain: It`s my second favorite organ.'
'I was thrown out of NYU [New York University] for cheating on my Metaphysics final. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me.'
'When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.'